A
person who regularly displays regular patterns like those below may well be getting
trapped in this state:
1. Weak or nonexistent boundaries, either unable to resist
manipulation or control by others except with the help of inner selves or controlling
others in immature ways (boundary issues).
2. Strongly polarised or out-of-balance one-above or one-below
selves (moderation issues). Will agree to things in child-like ways, for example
making a promise but two days later has forgotten it. Can discuss same problem many times
but cannot adhere to an adult solution.
3. Distorting or denying reality, seeing either negatives or
positives where these don’t exist (reality issues). This protects that
person (at least temporarily) from having to face important life issues.
4. Low self worth or self esteem, often hidden, however, by very
active selves that mask vulnerability, such as ‘superconfident’;
‘knower’; ‘always right’; ‘arguer’; ‘professional
expert’; or ‘specially entitled’ (reality and self-esteem issues).
5. Out of balance emotional, physical or spiritual issues, sometimes
described as ‘grown up and shut down’. Difficulty meeting needs in these
three areas, without help from others.
6. Emotions (love, anger, joy, sadness) are expressed in relation to
another person (He makes me feel ...) or related to actions (When I am doing
this I feel ....) In contrast, a person in the adult state feels more inwardly, (I
feel...) or is able to just ‘be’ (I am happy).
7. Major problems maintaining functional relationships.
Unable to see adult child patterns in others as well as in themselves, especially in a
close relationship or when choosing new partners.
8. Negative views of life and people (global negativity) or
alternatively, unrealistic global optimism.
9. Putting more time and energy into describing problems than into working to find
practical solutions.
10. Getting stuck in polarised (black or white) thinking, resulting in poor insight
and lack of judgement. That in turn leads to repeated patterns of self-defeating
behaviour, either one-below or one-above or both.
11. Preferring ‘safe’ or unimportant issues (for example work, weather, TV.
shopping, pets, sport or cars) in conversations.Will not initiate discussions on
more vulnerable issues like beliefs, feelings, intimacy or spirituality. If raised by
others there is a tendency to avoid the discussion or change the subject.
12. Lack of ‘awareness’ (not noticing) what is happening around them even though
other people can see it clearly.
Other one-below adult-child patterns include over playing or
distorting the role of a helpless or hopeless victim, or alternatively freezing like a
scared child; putting more time and energy into describing problems than into working to
find practical solutions. Other one-above, adult-child patterns could be adopting a
parental and shut down ‘I don’t need anyone’ pattern or spending too
much of the time daydreaming about grand schemes and romantic adventures.
All repetitive behaviour patterns by the inner selves have a purpose
and the ‘payoff’ in this case lies in the way the adult-child state protects
that person from seeing reality, a reality that they are just not able to face up to at
that time, aptly described (for that person) as ‘intolerable reality’.
Maintaining this protection may involve more serious patterns including
forms of self deception, denial, dishonesty or disassociation to avoid facing reality.
Sadly an adult child’s deepest fears are about unreal issues for example what will
happen if other people discover he or she is the ‘person’ (he or she believes)
they are. Sadly, neither the fears, nor the belief, are based on reality!
It is not wise to pressure or force a person trapped in the adult-child state to face
all this too quickly. For them, reality may truly still be ‘intolerable’. Adult
awareness can only be achieved over time and some preparation is necessary before it
can begin.