The Love ratio

However, first an important condition. It's not just a matter of how many of the languages we share or how many we don't share. It's the ratio of positive to negative that is of critical  importance.

One way to see the big picture is to look at  the "love ratio".

If a couple expect to live together without any bad bits and perhaps just an occasional small fight, they are being less than realistic. What they do need to keep an eye on is the ratio of good parts to bad parts in whatever they do in the relationship.

For example they might have a really bad fight. (See pages on fighting in relationships especially  Negative Bonding Patterns and Fights where the Inner Matriarch and Inner Patriarch take over.  But afterwards they find that this has cleared the air and they enjoy new intimacy as they repair the damage together. The more they discover about negative bonding and patriarchs and matriarchs (and how to stop them destroying a relationship)  the more things improve. See Making up after a fight.

High Love Ratio
A strong relationship is said to be one in which both partners see the ratio of all the good bits to all bad bits as better than four to one. If you have one or two bad bits to ten good bits you can be very happy. It's a great relationship, despite those two bad bits. And  so it's worthwhile working on them. If the ratio is any better maybe you are getting closer to something like the ‘soul-mate’ kind of connection.

Low Love Ratio
If one or both partners see the good-bad relationship ratio as anything less than three to one this is an indicator of real trouble. If there is serious disagreement over what counts a bad or good bit that's a sign of more serious trouble too. All of which tells you it's time to work with a professional relationship counsellor,  psychologist or psychotherapist . There is no way that a couple in this situation can "work it out by themselves"!.

Negative Love Ratio
If the ratio becomes negative (more negative than positive) there is little hope for the future without immediate action with a professional. The couple cannot sort it out by themselves once the ratio goes negative. 

What is real for you may not be real for your partner

There is a second and very  important condition in all this. It is about reality. Most of what appears to be true about the way they love you may or may not be at all accurate. What you think and feel and predict, about the other person's feelings may be very different to  what is really happening inside the other person. 

In fact, whatever the other person is saying or doing may be their idea of just how they believe they should be showing their deepest and most affectionate love. Maybe the problem isn't that they don’t love you, the problem may be that their way of loving you just fails to match up with your expectations. So, it's important that you don't use this list to help you tell your partner " See, you are doing it all wrong" or " This list proves you don't love me because you don't say (or do) ...."

Another great truth
It's also a good idea to keep in mind that great truth that until we are comfortable loving ourselves when we are alone, it is going to be very difficult for us to feel comfortable receiving real love from anyone else. It's difficult enough for most people to express their love openly. If we don't truly love ourselves that makes it doubly hard (or even impossible) for them to express their love towards us..

We may sincerely believe that if another person expresses lots of love towards us, then we must surely feel more loved. And if they do it in exactly the way we desire then we believe we ought to feel even more loved. Unfortunately it doesn't work this way, except for a short time at the beginning of a new relationship. It is impossible for another human being to "make us feel loved" if we don't already feel lovable and worthy of being loved within ourselves

"Measuring"  a relationship The 90/5/5 rule

And finally perhaps the most important condition of all, and the one we most often forget. 

Whenever you are adding up those negative and positive "things" in your relationship and no matter what else you think or feel about the relationship, when it comes to counting up those positives and negatives or looking at what is really happening, keep in mind that around ninety percent or more of what makes  the relationship is determined by the actions, the energies and emotions that are exchanged between the two individuals. It's not just that this is how people  express 90 percent of their love or friendship, 90 percent of the time, it's also 90 percent more believable deep down than the remaining 10 percent, the words we use.

Around five percent or a little more depends on or is influenced by the well reasoned, logical thoughts each partner has about themselves, about each other and about the relationship. We can only share our "love" in this logical, rational way about 5-7 percent of the time. Example: "I don't have to tell her I love her. She knows." (one of the saddest and most ineffective "logical" thoughts I can imagine!)

The remaining (approximately) five percent of the relationship depends on what is expressed through  the words each partner uses to describe what is going on between them. We can, at best, expect to share our deepest  "love" in words successfully 5-7 percent of the time. (So don't expect too much from your e-mails)

For  each connection on each channel, there can be varying levels of personal or impersonal connections, which adds to the complexity. See Choosing personal and impersonal channels and  Personal and impersonal styles in a relationship

These are only the headings. For more detailed notes on each heading  click on More about  relationships