The KNOWER

The ‘Knower’ selves

The selves described as the ‘knowers’ are responsible for setting up major conflict (and the most awful bonding patterns) in relationships. There are many different knower selves, judges, conventional medical knowers, and equally sure of themselves, alternate or ‘new age health knowers’. There are lots of different ‘spiritual knowers’ and ‘parent psychologists’ (the ones whose favourite phrases when telling you what you need to know about yourself include ‘You think that .... You always ... or You never....). I also need to acknowledge at his point, that I (John Nutting) have a team of knower selves of my own, who cause me endless problems whenever I lose awareness of them.

There are any number of analytical and thinking knowers and sad to say, even a ‘voice dialogue knower’. This self is found for example in someone who who met Hal and Sidra Stone only once at a weekend seminar in 1992 where he or she discovered the 'miraculous' power of being able to ‘facilitate’ other people’s selves. For the record the ability to facilitate is anything but miraculous and it is not a "power". Last month's notes described how easy it is to do basic facilitation, if you keep reminding yourself of this. In fact, if there is no one handy at the time, even an empty chair can do a passable job as a facilitator! Someone who has a strong voice dialogue knower will actually have little success with anything other than basic facilitation.

Typically knowers have a strong one above or parent energy, an over-developed certainty, ‘I know I am right, and I need you to accept I am right without questioning me.’ They often give unasked for advice, pushing this even harder if it is rejected and an equally strong sense of authority, that can sound something like ‘I know more than you,I can can see more clearly than you, so naturally I have the right to tell you what is right and what isn’t.’ Knower selves express a profound confidence in their knowledge.

However in wanting to appear so certain they seldom allow room for the possibility that they might be in error.

Example - The expert knower
This self specialises in ‘knowing’ about anything requiring special skills or experience, cars, computers, babies, health, finance, diet, politics, plumbing, world peace, or whatever is his or her area of expertise. Like the other knower selves it is driven by a strong need to let you know that it knows.

What’s behind knower behaviour?
To understand the knower’ selves (and to have any chance of working with them) it is necessary first to appreciate that they are really just a very strong cover for the person’s deeply painful underlying vulnerability about ‘not knowing’ and his or her associated low level of self esteem.

Most have a strong desire to ‘tell others’ about what they see and know and usually have much to say on their chosen topic, driven by a need to have others accept a reality that is close to theirs. The more people they can get to agree with them, the less vulnerable they feel. This seems to be the only way they can offset their fear of ‘not knowing’.

Knowers set up the worst bonding patterns
A deeper problem with a knower lies in the damage done to relationships by the self’s parent-like, impersonal attitude of being so certain and so much more ‘right’ than those it is talking to. This extreme ‘one-above’ parent position sets up negative bonding patterns of the most devastating kind.

You have already seen how ordinary one above or parent energy triggers other people into strong negative bonding patterns. ‘Knower’ selves amplify this reaction. This leads in turn to other forms of relationship havoc as protector selves on both sides get involved in the battle!

The worst patterns in a relationship are when one partner has a ‘specially entitled knower’ (a more extreme example of the parent psychologist) and the other partner has a judging parent knower.

Case study - Jack and Jill are at it again!

We enter after Jack and Jill have already got themselves stuck in an ordinary bonding pattern. (See previous explanation of ordinary bonding patterns.) Now as things hot up, Jill’s one above parent psychologist knower enters the fray,"You think you know everything Jack, but really you are so unaware. When are you going to wake up and accept the truth about yourself?"

At first this triggers Jack into the opposite (I don’t know) child energy. He tries to defend himself but is handicapped by a sense of not knowing as much as Jill about the subject of ‘awareness’. 2. "I think I’m doing OK. What do you mean about not waking up?" (For a moment, Jack feels like a dumb not knowing son, however as with all bonding patterns, Jack cannot stay in this vulnerable position.

Jack’s knower, who is more of a judge than a psychologist comes in to protect him. (My knower self at this stage says to remind you to read the separate article about bonding patterns which explains why you can expect that Jack will do things way.)

"You’re always telling me what’s wrong with me. You should have a look at your own problems!"

This is surprisingly effective in undermining Jill’s psychologist knower because underneath Jill is haunted by a sense deep down of not knowing. She goes down under the attack feeling like a foolish I don’t know daughter. "I was just trying to help you. I’m sorry"

The pattern will continue with each side taking it in turns to judge or psychoanalyse the other, while both will be steadily driven deeper into a sense of underlying vulnerability as their greatest fear of not knowing grows.

OTHER KNOWERS

The spiritual knower

This self has a need for you to take on his or her spiritual beliefs, follow the same path or go to the same church.

Often, its claimed ‘vision’ is perhaps a little too clear to be realistic, but as a self it does provide some protection from a deeper core pain connected to an underlying vulnerability about ‘not knowing’ whether they are truly on the right spiritual path.

Getting as many others as possible to follow in its footsteps helps reduce the nagging uncertainty about its chosen spirituality.

The false knower

This self has information that could not possibly be correct but insists that it must be true, then tries to force others to agree with it, to compensate for its negative core beliefs about not knowing, not being right, being blamed or being guilty.

The psychic knower

Its knowing skills include the ability to read your innermost (or most negative) thoughts with extreme accuracy.

This is the self that tells people, ‘I can tell exactly what you are thinking’ then goes on to discuss those thoughts without checking whether its perception of what it ‘knows’ has any connection with the other person’s reality. (If this knower really knew what they were thinking it would probably be keeping its mouth closed!)

It is inclined to claim to have very powerful skills to analyse others as a way of controlling them. Again look for a core belief about ‘not really knowing’ and the associated inner pain. See note below about the difference between the ‘knower’ and genuine ‘non-knower’ wisdom

The healer knower
A self that wants everyone to believe and accept that its knowledge of health and healing techniques is specially empowered or unusually enlightened.

Offers unasked advice on exactly what you should do (or must never do) to maintain good health or overcome your health problems. Some of this knower’s recommendations may be quite unusual or even bizarre, but each time another person accepts the advice the knower feels a little safer from its underlying fear that it might not be a true and enlightened healer.

The true teachers (revised 28 December 2000)
Of course some people have truly great wisdom or knowledge or wonderful healing skills to share. In most cases they will offer them with caring and kindness. They will not push too hard if you decline to accept their gift. You will notice they also share a willingness to continue learning from others as long as they are alive. They accept that whatever they might know will always be far less than what they do not know and that much of what they think they know may or may not be correct.

It is these characteristics that help distinguish the true teacher from the person driven by his or her knower selves.

(added 15 January 2000)..........

The "Knower" self can stand also behind other selves
Most selves normally prefer to work alone as specialists, but sometimes one self seems to act as a 'front' for another stronger self standing behind it.
I have been doing some re-thinking about the "knower" self. One thing that strikes me as possible (and I don't claim to know for sure) is that many different selves may act as 'fronts' for the more energised "knower or alternatively the polar opposite "not knower"selves.

During a dialogue, Pushers and Judges, Critics, Rule makers, Caretakers and such, often express a powerful sense of "knowing" as they go about their work. The energetic similarity in each case appears to be that they each "know" what to do, how or when to do it, or what is right or what is wrong.

Are we missing the point (energetically) if we focus on and analyse "the Caretaking Parent" for example, without also recognising the powerful energy of the "knower" standing behind it and who "knows" (better than you do) exactly what is needed to take care of your needs?
It may help us become more aware of our own bonding patterns if we can see when our negative reactions in such a case, are really being fuelled more by the "knower" energy being projected from behind "The Caretaker" rather than by its up front caretaking parental energy.

In the same way, selves like the 'peacekeeper', 'pleaser', 'silly me' or 'don't rock the boat', may have a strong 'I don't know' self standing behind them. Is it the "I don't know" energy behind the "don't rock the boat" self that annoys us, rather than its up front preference for peace and harmony.
No matter what self it is, if it's projecting strong knower or not knower energy, that could be what causes the clashes (negative bonding patterns) in relationships.
I don't know ...... what do you think?

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