Disempowering2009

Another extract from the book - 'Growing Awareness' ...

The Disempowering Selves

The Disempowering primary selves stop you experiencing your real power or discovering your real ability. They stop you growing emotionally, financially and in your relationships because they believe that is the only way to keep you out of pain or danger. They do not trust other people, nor do they even have much confidence in your other inner selves. They specially do not have confidence in your conditional protector selves and their ‘little contracts’, because other people cannot be relied on to honour promises to protect you and usually let you down anyhow.

They also treat the risk of vulnerability as being as bad as vulnerability itself and they associate ‘taking action’ with risk, pain or worse. When they are in charge, you find yourself ‘not doing’ which might include ‘not speaking’; ‘not thinking’; ‘not going anywhere’; ‘not noticing’ and often ‘not achieving’, since their past experience suggests that inaction is safer than any action when it comes to protecting your vulnerability.

Some however disempower in another way, by distracting attention, through drama and intensity so that no one even you, can see clearly what is really happening. This latter group, the High Intensity Selves, are explained in the section after the examples of the main disempowering selves.

A third kind disempower themselves and others around them, at the same time, by claiming to have ‘no power’ or ‘no authority’ or ‘no ability’ when asked for help.

Better to Do Nothing

In the earlier story about Phil you might remember his unsuccessful childhood experiences taking independent adventurous action that turned out to be too risky and too painful for him to want to repeat it ever again.

Phil’s disempowering selves drew a general conclusion from this. To this day, they worry excessively about risks and before Phil can make up his mind about doing anything they offer the alternative message that it will be ‘better (and safer) to do nothing and avoid the risk.’

The more extreme the experience of negative control by others in your early childhood the stronger the influence of the disempowering selves in later adult life.

The disempowering selves will obviously be strongest if you have a negative core belief about not being capable of success, not understanding or being useless at solving problems. The messages they use to control you include:

"Better to not do anything than to be blamed for getting it wrong"

"Forget it" "You can’t do it"

"If you do it you will get into trouble"

"If you make a mistake you will feel much worse – better not do anything"

"If you do it, people won’t like you (or love you)"

"You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, better to do nothing"

"It’s safer to wait and do nothing – somebody else will fix it"

"Don’t do anything until you have permission"

How Could A Disempowering Self Possibly Provide Protection?

Like the other protector inner selves, these are adapted patterns of behaviour learned ‘the hard way’. Like all the other selves they developed unconsciously from past experience to help you fit in with negative beliefs about yourself. To understand and appreciate them, look for situations where as a child, you noticed that doing nothing or inaction was the safest way to avoid being vulnerable or feeling useless and even today when you do nothing or act as if you were powerless, you find you often feel a little safer (or someone else does it for you).

These however, are only a few of the many disempowering selves. The example above is just to show how and why they are created. When you think about taking a positive step that would lead to greater success for you do you feel a sense of fear or lethargy?

Do you often use phrases such as "I can’t do it’ - "I don’t know how’ – "It’s too difficult’ – "I’m no good at that because I don’t have / I’m no good at……….because .... (Whatever the explanation is, it will be your disempowering voice.)

Do you have difficulty seeing an issue clearly, finding it easier to dismiss, deny or reject it as unimportant. All addictions are supported by one or more disempowering selves that help with denial - not noticing the problem.

Do you sometimes reject, block or cut contact, or distance yourself from others to avoid dealing with something that must be faced sooner or later?

Are you are often unaware (until it is too late) of an opportunity when you could have done something beneficial for yourself? (Yet you have no trouble seeing a chance to help others).

Do you justify inaction by stating ‘logical and reasonable’ reasons for not doing anything?

EXAMPLES:

Compliant or Surrenderer
I bend over backwards to stay calm and reasonable while I try to understand, excuse and forgive others or explain to myself why and how they control me so easily. I need to stay in personal contact, and remain friends.

No Worries
If I have difficulty seeing the whole issue clearly, it helps me to just dismiss, deny or reject it as not important. I am parent-like in my ways of resisting help (or reality)

Escaper or Runner
I leave, run away, withdraw, back out, avoid issues or contact. I feel vulnerable, child-like, a total failure, confused, controlled, engulfed. Contact means punishment so I need to escape.

The Double Disempowerer
This self, like the permission seeker, is fearful of getting into trouble and also worries about being blamed for allowing others to do things. Typically this self will say things like ‘I have no authority’ ‘I’m not allowed to do that for you’ ‘It’s against policy’ or ‘It’s a computer problem and I can’t do anything about it.’ This disempowers the both person with the self and others around them, at the same time.

The Medicator or Addict
I over-use substances or activities to help escape my pain. I deny the existence of a problem and claim I can control my medication intake any time I want to.

Permission Seeker
As described already in the story above. Fears getting into trouble or blame, so avoids taking action until someone else says it is OK. Relies on partners or people in power to make decisions on his or her behalf.

The Workaholic
I am very busy, I spend excessively long hours at work. I claim good and justifiable reasons based on some essential necessity, or a problem over which I have no power. I have to do the job. Only I can do it.

Inner Patriarch
The patriarch is probably the most powerful and influential of all the disempowering selves. Dr. Sidra Stone has written a whole book ‘The Shadow King’ about this one inner self. This self projects male energy even when he is active in a woman. The messages sent by the Inner Patriarch often sound like a male voice saying:

‘Stick to the rules’ ‘People who break the rules are not worthy of love’
‘You have a place in the system. Once you find it, don’t try to rise any higher.’
‘Men are naturally better at making the rules – leave them to it’

Other Disempowering selves

Fear Of Failure Fear Of Success

Fear Of Intimacy Fear Of Anger

Forget it! Folding or Submissive

Don’t Expect too Much (and You’ll never be Disappointed) or Pessimist

Don’t Ask Questions (Never Raise Your Hand in Class)

Don’t Get Too Intimate (Never get too close to other people)

Special Disempowering Selves

Father Who Lives In Your Head

Everyone has one of these. Once you learn to separate this inner self from the person who exists somewhere else (your external father) you will see that your inner self father, not the external one, is the one that disempowers you. You may not believe this now, but once you start working from your aware adult you will notice the difference. From then on, when you are in contact with your external father (or when you think about your father, if you no longer have contact) you will discover that your external father will have less and less influence over you and your emotions.

Mother Who Lives In Your Head

She is an inner self also, which means you need to use your awareness to separate your inner self mother from the person who is your real (external) mother. It is your inner self mother, not your external (real) mother, who disempowers you. Learn to separate your external parent from your internal one. You will then find you can think about the extarnal parent without feeling controlled or influenced. Your external parents will have become ‘disempowered’ in terms of their ability to control you through your emotions.

Teacher / Grandparent /Ex-partner / Boss / ... Person ...Who Lives In Your Head

There may be other similar inner selves who came into your life as a result of conflict with significant care-givers in your life. In each case, you need to begin by separating the external person from the inner self image of them, which is the one who disempowers you. First, become aware of these inner selves and watch to see the way they disempower you. Learn to think about and recall the external person without feeling controlled or influenced. Your aware adult system will help you to re-empower yourself and ‘disempower’ these energies so they can no longer control you through your emotions.

Your Automatic Coping Mechanisms

Many of your coping mechanisms including the Seven F’s (Section 2 - 'Growing Awareness') are directly connected to your disempowering primary selves.

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