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1. The one same thing triggers every bonding pattern. This is the
presence of some aspect of our vulnerability that we and our inner
selves are keeping hidden (either from the other person, or from ourselves
or both of us.) This truth applies to all bonding patterns, negative or positive, large or
small.
So to stop a bonding pattern we need to have a way of seeing, or becoming fully aware of
that bit of our hidden vulnerability, first to ourselves and then (if it's safe and
appropriate) sharing it with to the other person. (Hey guess what? IT WORKS!).
Warning: Sharing or revealing our hidden
vulnerability to someone else must begin with our becoming aware of it ourselves. This
can only succeed if the awareness/revealing is done through the aware ego or by one of our
inner parents. If one of our ordinary selves, especially a younger self tries to do the
job it will fail because one of the main roles of every inner self is to keep our
vulnerability hidden.
When a self supposedly tries to "reveal hidden
vulnerability" to the other person in the bonding pattern, what it will really
do is set off another bonding pattern. The self will focus on its fear, suffering, shame
or pain rather than on the real underlying vulnerability and inevitably will transmit some
sort of unspoken message to the other person that will sound or feel like "and
YOU are the cause of it". Example: If Jill has underlying pain about being
lonely and she can reveal this to Jack, through her aware ego (when she is triggered by
Jack getting home two hours after he promised) there will be little or no bonding pattern.
But if Jill's victim child self complains about "how worried you
made me ....." this will start a negative bonding. Or if Jill's
controlling mother self gets angry with Jack because "you are
late again ...." in both these latter cases, the outcome will be a bonding
pattern. (Because both her selves were working hard to hide her real underlying
vulnerability . Jack's will then have to do the same for him).
2. Once it is triggered, every
bonding pattern is fuelled or driven by our
strongest primary selves. Whether it's a parent or a child primary self, it tends
to grab hold of a powerful spotlight which it shines with great intensity focussing on the
other person in the pattern as Jill did above. This helps to hide the focuser's
vulnerability by spotlighting the other person's. OUCH!
Well of course that just means the other person has to bring out a primary self with a
bigger harder spotlight. (so both people get blinded to the real issues in themselves and
in their partner)
Jack's response to Jill's victim child might be "What do you
think I am? A helpless kid?" (Judgemental father self) In response to
Jill's controlling mother "If that's how you feel I'll just go
out again until you settle down" (Rebel son self).
That's all it takes for another of Jill's primary selves to get out a bigger spotlight to
focus on Jack's hidden vulnerability and the pattern (maybe that should read
"battle") escalates.
Storm Warning: If you are in a bonding pattern and your psychological knower selves try to
"help" the other person by assisting them to see THEIR hidden vulnerability
(while keeping yours hidden) watch out. This usually triggers a mega negative
bonding pattern of nuclear proportions.
So again, the only way out of this is for one or
better still, both people to bring their aware egos
and inner parents onto the stage to say to all the selves, "O.K.kids. Stop
this fighting." Only our aware ego is strong enough to safely reveal our
underlying hidden vulnerability to another person, especially if we have just been
experiencing what seemed like a spotlight attack from that person. Thank goodness
the aware ego is so capable of handling the job. This, by the way, seems to work far
better for me and many of my clients when there is a well developed inner mother and
father present as well. (more about that later).
3. The level of energy or intensity you are
feeling while in a bonding pattern is a direct measure of how strong YOUR hidden
vulnerability is at that time. The less intensity you are feeling, the more you
are being protected by your own inner parents and aware ego system, so the less your own
vulnerability. The higher your intensity the greater your own underlying (hidden)
vulnerability. That's a clear pointer to where you need to do the work on yourself if you
want things to get better and have fewer bonding patterns.
4. One other gem (a quote from Paul
Gale-Baker)....
after a bad bonding pattern, when you feel you must discuss some aspect of it with your
partner and you feel like saying "You said... or "You did ..... try instead
saying "The bonding pattern said/did ....." It takes a lot of the
steam out of the statement while still allowing the two of you to communicate about what
happened. Of course it's far better not to say anything about a pattern once it's over,
since eighty percent of the time any discussion will trigger another round.
A THOUGHT -
If bonding patterns (which destroy intimacy and friendship) are:
Triggered by hidden vulnerability and fuelled by each person's primary selves then ....is
it probable that ....
Friendship and Intimacy might similarly be:
Triggered when two people reveal or share their hidden vulnerability with each other and
then fuelled or driven by the two aware egos.
What do you think?
Understanding
Bonding Patterns
- While you are in one you can’t see
it....
One of the more complex aspects of inner self work are what Hal and Sidra Stone
describe as ‘bonding patterns’. In ordinary terms the
negative version is what you and I would call 'a bad fight'. The opposite (positive
bonding) is a couple who may go for years and never have a fight even when they need
to, to clear the air. Understanding what causes these patterns and what keeps them going
helps you get out of them faster. Click here
Bonding Patterns -
Case Studies - Not all bonding patterns are negative and not all are over in a few
hours. Positive bonding patterns can continue for months or years. What is significant in
the patterns in these case studies, is the presence of two powerful selves each playing
positive roles. In both partners, however, the selves playing these roles keep their real
motives (protecting the person they belong to) hidden behind a mask that suggests the
opposite is the case. Click here
Drawing a bonding pattern
diagram. Most voice dialogue facilitators use a diagram to illustrate bonding patterns
in a visual form, usually the same one that Hal and Sidra Stone have used for years and it
does help people see what is going on and separate from it.The more I understand bonding
patterns the more I find it helps to picture them in this way. And the more patterns I
draw, the more I come to understand the patterns. How you can use these
diagrams to help get out of a bonding pattern is explained on this page. Click here
Getting out of
Bonding Patterns
In the entire history of civilisation (over the past 80,000 odd years) no two
human beings have ever been able to resolve a negative pattern or talk themselves into a
'soft landing' by continuing the exchange. Like two people struggling in quicksand, the
longer they struggle trying to solve the pattern from the inside, the deeper they sink and
the more painful the ending. Rather than lessening the vulnerability, the closing stages
of a single pattern are characterised by the strongest of all the selves on one side
winning the day, leaving the other person feeling devastated because they have no self to
match it. It is a far better option to get out of a particular pattern as
soon as you can. Click here
Underlying
Vulnerability - Vulnerability is the basic issue out of which adapted
behaviour (the selves) and bonding patterns grow. It is therefore at the heart of the way
our inner selves think, act and what they tell us about what they imagine is happening in
the world around us. A sense of vulnerability is a natural part of the daily experience
for all living creatures, animals, birds, plants, insects, bacteria, and humans.
Whenever your vulnerable feelings involve deep emotional pain, you can be sure that one of
your inner child parts is being reminded of the fear, pain, guilt, shame, loneliness, terror, devastation or despair they felt as a child, hence
the term underlying vulnerability. Recognising our underlying vulnerability and
talking about it helps us to connect with some of our deepest feelings and, in addition
our even deeper fear of having to feel like that again. Click here
The knower selves
are a group of inner selves
- are responsible for setting up major conflict (and the most awful
bonding patterns) in relationships. There are many different knower selves, judge
knowers, medical knowers, and new age knowers. Typically knowers have a strong one above
or parent energy, an overdeveloped certainty, that feels like, ‘I know I am right,
and I need you to accept I am right without questioning me.’ They often push
unasked for advice on to others while rejecting good advice offered in return and
talk with a sense of authority, that can sound something like ‘I know more
than you,I can can see more clearly than you, so naturally I have the right to tell you
what is right and what isn’t. (But you don't have the right to tell me.) For more
information click on The 'knower selves
MORE THOUGHTS ON KNOWER SELVES
Most selves normally prefer to work alone as specialists, but sometimes one self
seems to act as a 'front' for another stronger self standing behind it. I have
been doing some re-thinking about the "knower" self.
One thing that strikes me as possible (and I don't claim to know for sure) is that many
different selves may act as 'fronts' for the more energised "knower or
alternatively the polar opposite "not knower"selves.
No matter what self it is, if it's projecting strong knower or not knower energy,
that could be what causes the clashes (negative
bonding patterns) in relationships.
I don't know ...... what do you think? See the foot of my updated article on the knower for an explanation.
I thought this was a perfect description of that bother-some self the "knower"
(although originally it was a written in the
1800's about a
European composer, obviously a bit of a "knower")
"He has immense knowledge about everything but he lacks in-experience."
God's letter to all ....(posted 29 December 2000)
You may have already seen different forms of "God's
Letter to All" on the net. I found this version particularly appealing, even if
it is a little irreverent in places. The points it makes are however worth considering as
the parts of our World continue to fight to the death about whether one kind of
spirituality is really better (or washes whiter than the other brands.) Click here to read it.
(I liked it so much I have included it in "Growing Awareness" Does anyone
know where it originated?)
While in the mood for something a bit different you might also like to read
You may have already seen different forms of "God's
Letter to All" on the net. I found this version particularly appealing, even if
it is a little irreverent in places. The points it makes are however worth considering as
the parts of our World continue to fight to the death about whether one kind of
spirituality is really better (or washes whiter than the other brands.) Click here to read it.
While in the mood for something a bit different you might also like to read In Praise of the Inner Goddess
"Rules for the School of Life" light-hearted,
but Oh! so true. (posted 28 February 2001 click here
The three
stages of Awareness - with illustrations - A one page summary
Normal multiple
personality states and Dissociative Identity Disorder - (posted
14 February 2001)
There is a very significant difference between having many different inner selves or
personality states within us (which can be normal and healthy or can cause some problems)
and DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder (which used to be known as "Multiple
Personality".)
I am afraid media presenters often fail to appreciate this when talking about
personality issues. In fact they even tend to confuse DID or Dissociative Identity
Disorder with Schizophrenia which is another even more different disorder and one
which is usually NOT characterised by splitting of personalities but rather sudden mood
swings and other quite different processes. Let's try to clear this
up.
Voice dialogue as we know it, is definitely NOT a suitable treatment and
should be avoided with anyone who you even suspect of having DID. Click here for notes that I hope can help explain this.
Feedback - please
e-mail me John Bligh Nutting - at nutting@growingaware.com
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